I don’t know what day it was when I wandered into the sunroom. Wednesday? Thursday? I only knew that I had gone 26 hours without a hit, and I was ready to be done. I didn’t care what happened, I just needed some relief.
A woman met me at the door and her cheery voice hit me like a semi-truck.
“Good morning! Welcome to our group!”
So it was morning then, that was a surprise. You lose all sense of time, they say, when you first try to quit.
“Would you like some coffee? There’s plain, hazelnut, latte?”
“no”, I mumbled, “really, I’d just like a bed.”
She laughed, like I’d said something clever, and then paused when I stared blankly at her
“oh honey, how long has it been?”
“I don’t know”, I whispered, leaning against the door, “too long?”
“it’s alright”, she said more gently now, “we’ve all had to start somewhere. Come, sit down, we’re about to start.”
I joined the motley circle, sitting cross-legged on the cold wooden floor. And wondered vaguely, what was going on.
A tall thin man stood up and started talking.
“Hi, I’m Al.”
“Hi Al.”
“I’m Al, and I’m an addict, but I’ve been clean for 3 weeks now.”
I stared. 3 weeks? How? I’d made it one day, and I felt like I was going crazy. He seemed to catch my bewildered gaze.
“I know, for some of us that’s short, and for some of you that’s a lifetime away. I think I started using when I was 6. It was after my mother left us. My dad got me hooked. He didn’t know what to do with a toddler, so every time I wanted to hang out he’d rock me to sleep instead. Eventually I stopped asking and just started putting myself to sleep.
It was so easy. I’d lie down and before I could feel all the loneliness, all the longing for my mother, sleep would creep in and wipe away the pain.
Sleep is a drug.
I know that now, but it took me 3 decades to admit it.
I always insisted that I could stop any time, that it was normal, everybody sleeps, right? But it got worse and worse. I was sleeping at work. Sleeping at parties. Naps in the morning, naps in the afternoon, a quick dinner and then I could sleep all night and then some.
Life is full of pain, a mother gone, a father absent, a cross word, a sad memory. My friends didn’t seem to understand, they just kept leaving when I’d try to talk about it. I thought I’d be happy when I started dating, but of course, my girlfriend was using too. Seems like one of us was always asleep when the other was awake. It was easier to just stay asleep.
But then, one day, well, she just didn’t wake up. Noon came, then dinner, and finally, the next day, I realized it. She was never waking up. She’d finally overdosed.
At first I was jealous, she’d found the secret to eternal sleep after all, our holy grail.
I did what I always did to cope; sleep, and sleep, and sleep, until one night I just couldn’t. The pain of missing her was so bad that I just kept waking; tossing and turning and sleepless. I tasted sobriety for a few brief hours. It was cold, hard, and brilliant.
That day I saw the sunrise, and I realized, I’d never seen so many colors. I didn’t even know all their names.
That’s what keeps me going at night right now – I want to see the sunrise, I want to learn all the colors, to know their names, their meaning, I want to bathe in their depths, to become one with the deep oranges and the gentle pinks.
Coffee is my road to sobriety. I know some don’t like that, they say it’s unnatural. They say it’s just a crutch, another drug, but for me, it’s the only way to stay sober right now. Maybe someday I can stay awake without it, but for now the withdrawal from sleep is just too strong.
To be honest, I’m a little tired right now, I had a rough day at work yesterday, my boss was frustrated with me, and all I could think about was sleep, but I knew I had you all to visit, so I stayed strong.
The sunset is coming, and I can’t wait to see what colors there are tonight.
Sleep is a drug, but I want to be free. I want to be awake.”